Incredibly brave Mumma Nicola shares her pregnancy journeys over the last three years, read on to hear her story.
Content warning: blog post talks about Miscarriage
Baby is the size of a: Blueberry.
We fell pregnant with our first baby in May 2019. We were really lucky and fell pregnant on our second cycle of trying. Things were going really well with that pregnancy – or so we thought. We had our dating scan at 6 and a half weeks, saw our little baby and its heartbeat and got even more excited. I wasn’t sick or anything. We then had our first midwife/OB appointment at 10 and a bit weeks and when the OB was doing the bedside scan at that appointment is when we discovered that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I had to then go for a formal scan to confirm this and see what size baby was when it stopped growing. Our world came crashing down and it absolutely broke me. The scan showed that the baby had stopped growing in the 8-week range, and I had had what was called a “Missed Miscarriage”. I was given the option of wait and let things happen naturally, take some medication to pass the foetus, or go for a D&C. I elected to have the medication – Misoprostol – and to do it at home. I was told it would be just like a ‘bad period’ and it was the single most horrific experience of my life. I wish every day that I just went for the D&C. It didn’t occur to me that the medication would dilate my cervix – hello contractions, and the guilt of passing my baby into the toilet is something that still haunts me. The heartache of seeing our babe’s heartbeat and growing them for what you thought was 7 weeks and becoming so attached to them and the idea of them, and the having them taken away from you is something I had never felt before. I think we forget about the guys too; you know. My husband was a wonderful support to me, but he lost a baby too. Although he didn’t have the same connection that I did, it was still his baby. I feel like I did a really bad job at supporting him because I was barely getting by myself.
We then fell pregnant with our now 14MO in August 2019. Textbook pregnancy, I felt really good, wasn’t sick, but was blessed with hives all over my body for 5 weeks from weeks 22-27. This pregnancy, especially the first trimester was absolutely riddled with anxiety, and I was so petrified that we were going to lose this baby too. We didn’t find out he was a boy until he was earthside and I am so glad we waited. He was everything we wished for, and I loved being pregnant.
We then decided we were ready for another baby and found out that we were pregnant in April 2021 – On our little boy’s first birthday. This pregnancy was short lived unfortunately. A week after we found out we were expecting I started spotting. I knew in my gut what was happening but was hopeful I was wrong. I thought that surely, I couldn’t be this statistic twice. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage – therefore I should have 3 healthy babes before this happens again, right? The next morning, I woke up and started bleeding heavily/passing some clots. Blood tests confirmed that I had in fact had a miscarriage. Again. This one, although I was devastated, was much less traumatic, which I am so thankful for.
This leads us to the now – a journal entry from June 26, when I finally sat down and wrote something about this pregnancy.
June 26, 2021.
On this day 2 years ago, we lost our first baby. A date this is forever etched into my mind, as is January 27, when that baby would have been due. And here we are, onto our fourth pregnancy, and hopefully you will be our second baby. We found out that we were expecting you on May 25, 2021. We were trying for you, but I wasn’t convinced I was pregnant. I was 5 days out from my period and had some spotting. Your dad was actually the one who suggested I take a pregnancy test. I just thought my period was coming early which is super unusual, but I thought that the miscarriage we had the month before had messed with my cycle. Turns out dad was right, because this is when we found out you existed.
I wasn’t excited about you initially, which I feel so guilty for. My mindset had turned to thinking of myself as clearly fertile, but unable to stay pregnant. Something was clearly wrong with my body because it had let me down multiple times now.
I waited until I was well overdue for my period and had bloods done the day before my GP appointment. Went and saw Kate (our GP – you’re lucky kid, we have a seriously fantastic & supportive GP). She told me that my hCG levels were fantastic. This gave me hope.
We then had to wait it out for a dating scan. We had this scan on June 21st. I was so incredibly nervous; dad was as cool as a cucumber which has how he has been this entire time. Nothing phases him but in saying that I think he is quietly nervous after being let down with our previous losses. But alas, we had the scan and we saw you. Your little self-jiggling around, and your ticking little heartbeat. You measured at 7 weeks on the dot, and you were perfect for your age. Relief is an understatement on how I felt, and this is when I let my guard down and begun to get excited.
I am still so wary, we aren’t even at the 8-week mark yet, but I’ve felt mildly hungover for the last week and a bit, particularly in the mornings and by the end of the day, which is so different to how I felt with your brother, so that was a shock to my system. But that’s okay, because as long as I feel like this, then maybe my hormones are doing the right thing and you’re still here with me, growing nicely, like I wish for every single day.
Please stay with me baby. You’re already more loved and wanted than you could know.
Love, Mama. xx
If after reading this you’d be happy to share your own experience of pregnancy, please email me at [email protected] to send you one of these pages (or you can send a photo of your own pregnancy journal).